Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me

Her: which is?

Me: exactly

Cat 911: what’s your emergency

Cat: my human is bleeding to death!

911: stay calm. what happened

Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her

911:

Cat:

911: hahahaha

Cat: hahahaHA

Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA

*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*

Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart

Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from

Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS

WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.

My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids

Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.

Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!

I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want

Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter

WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus

There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.

Except for a broken foot.

Then you should see a doctor.

I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.

Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking

[me while painting nails]: Obvi

Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails

I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.

My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.

Husband: What are they?

Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions

Black Mirror S05E01

January 20, 2021:

[fade in on TV set]

President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.

[cut to]

Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.

I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit

Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise

Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?

Doctor: sure

Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never

Him: You’re married?

Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.

Him: What about on Friday?

Me: Depends how Thursday goes.

Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.

[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.

Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.

Worst perfume name ever.

Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult

[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger

Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*