Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
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cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly