Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.

haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day

10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]

“How can I help u, Bowser?”

I need a loan

“For ANOTHER castle?”

A flying castle

“U have like 24 already”

IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER

Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate

My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.

My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”

Me: Sure.

[BANG]

Me: it’s 4 35 pm.

Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.

Cop: Why did you burn that building down?

Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.

Cop: You’re free to go.

dril cadence

Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.

I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.

I kneaded that.

this tweet changed my entire outlook on life

the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING

Want to talk trash? Recycle.

Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.

the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal

Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”

me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand

You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.

[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*

Me: Are you done cleaning?

7-year-old: No.

Me: So what should you be doing?

7: Hiding.

She cleans like me.

one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar

Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠

If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men

[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear

It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.

I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.

My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.