Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
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The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?
me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.
9: MOM!