Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
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I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
I’m 36 going on 37.
Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Effort made
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Sorry, I wasn’t really listening but that’s awesome, unless it isn’t of course.