Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
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people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.