Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
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The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
These work great until they don’t.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.