Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
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I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Well, shit
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Pretty much! 😂👀
a fate I wish upon no one
