Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
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Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
mathematicians be like “the limit does not exist” ok nerd then how come I’m at mine
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Watching Home Alone with my 8 year old twins.
One of them is cackling like a hyena every time a paint can smashes the face of the would be burglars.
The other is sitting with a concerned look on his face saying things like “well that doesn’t seem safe”
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello