Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
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Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
You had me at “define legal”.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
*furtive glance to make sure no one is listening* I keep my friends close and my enemies as far away as possible but don’t tell people that, we got a good thing going with the other thing
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before