therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
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As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
