Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
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[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
#Caturday
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
I’d like to have a word with the groundhog before he starts on his bullshit this year.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe