Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.

Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.

Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs

I remember reading an article about how Somali pirates had fallen on such hard times that their luxury cars were getting repossessed and all I could think was that a Somali repo man who takes cars back from pirates must be the toughest bastard on planet Earth.

I mean…but I did

I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

Him: I like powerful women.

Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*

My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.

Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start

こいつ天才

[ad for umbrellas]

[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]

“There must be a better way!”

Voiceover: UMBRELLAS

I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.

Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok

Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how

Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!

Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.

*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”

Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.

When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”

Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed

Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.

If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain

Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man

“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven

person I’ve never interacted with who has no tweets and a pfp that’s not human: follow me back please!

I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.

dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!

me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?

dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home

me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol

It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?

TIME TRAVELLER: No

WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?

I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast