therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Note to self: I am a note
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
