Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.

omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions

imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog

This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’

I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.

PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET

Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!

My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die

Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.

Not one.

This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.

I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.

Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?

HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!

–CONCERT NIGHT–

ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!

Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.

Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…

It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it

How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?

How do bananas greet each other?

“Yellow”

I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes

I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…

I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread

Me: (exists)

Wasp: I have opinions about that

Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER

Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?

You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*

*dressed a toddler

Me *putting honey on toast*

Son: do you know bees make that?

Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot

[Later]
Date: tell me something interesting

Me: bees make toast

Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.

Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.

Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.

HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks

ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely

Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili

Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.