Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

❤Missed connection❤

You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card

I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes

People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?

Squirrel Thoughts

They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.

I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off

In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.

If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.

I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.

The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.

Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it

Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.

Girl: yes baby, punish me.

Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.

Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me

Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car

took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.

Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.

I’m sorry…

…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.

Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.

him: I love animals, especially dogs

me: *I could really like him*

him: birds too

me: *he’s dead to me*

Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.

I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits

Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.

Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?

Me: Because you’re also a wreck.

concern

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?

Is it four? Please say it’s four.

What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?

A πthon

If you’re alone on Thanksgiving, venmo me $25 and I’ll call and ask you when are you gonna get a “real” job and give me grandchildren.

When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?

Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible

Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.

If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.

Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.

Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes

Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.