Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave

me: oh sorry does my lobster smell

co-worker: no he’s pinching people

Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.

Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?

Kids: Cars

Me: And…

Kids: Wine moms

Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time

-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.

ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol

CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.

Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.

The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?

Of course we’re not.

There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.

i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones

It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.

Smooooooth

Doormats are a gateway rug.

Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.

Dr: You’ve gained some weight

Me: You said I should take it easy

Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick

Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER

u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad

CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult

Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.

Batman: We also poop.

CG: We?

B: They. I mean they

I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.

At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”

My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.

[first day as a pilot]

This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.

Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’

Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’

I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.

Just to repeat: in a lift.

Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.

Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.

genie: what is your first wish

me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice

genie: [kermit the frog voice] why

My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.

Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.