Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
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In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me
grandpa was shocked
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Do ducks feel sad?
No, they feel “down”cast.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.