Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
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What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?
Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel
TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead
Me- Are you ready for school?
13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy?
Me- I’ll meet you in the car
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss
It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers