Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“Cuz im going too fast?”

Cop: Yes, slow down.

“But it’s been 6 months-”

Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.

If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.

[Outside court]

Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?

: Odd

I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.

I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*

7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?

Me: Did you eat your greens?

7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream

[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep

If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain

me: we named you after our favorite films

paul blart: i hate you

wife: you should be proud of your names

paul blart 2: you’re monsters

It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said

Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.

Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.

Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.

I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.

Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.

Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.

One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.

If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool

Did you guys know that protons have mass?

I didn’t even know they were Catholic…

I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.

Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.

We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.

Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving

Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?

Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.

date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel

mortician: can you come ID the body

wife: what’s it wearing

mortician: just a pair of dress jorts

wife: anything in the pocket

mortician: chicken nugg-

wife: that’s him

I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.

recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is

If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.