Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
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Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Big Sex has us all fooled
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*