Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
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Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Just a friendly reminder!
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?