Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.

Holy crap this is wonderful

My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.

SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE

people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like

no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????

Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes

Everyone: *freaking out*

Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours

Everyone: *calms down*

Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff

(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?

Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all

Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick

I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.

This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede

I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.

Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you

Me: ooh, what am I wearing

Killer:

Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this

Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale

My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning

*Starts to vacuum

My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account

Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private

Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.

(Electricians.)

What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓

date: so what do you do?

me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall

Well, this certainly took a turn

I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.

Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.

Coworker: What?

Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.

Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.

Me: Yes.

I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone

[2052 pre-apocalypse]

Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world

Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS

Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.

Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.

I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.