Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?

These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!

When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2

Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out

Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.

Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?

There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.

It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.

*first day as salsa dancer

“I’m not cleaning this up.”

Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar

What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?

Muppet Screams

[Road trip]

me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on

kids: it’s just a blank CD

me: SHHH

*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*

whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.

If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.

The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal

I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over

I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation

When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way

When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph

A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house

My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”

I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce

[eyeing a beautiful woman]

ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants

HER: they look terrible on you

hardest line in real life

Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later

Pollen: lol, ok

For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”

I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon

netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it