*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
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[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..