therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
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[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
#Caturday
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.