therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
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Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
*Drunk dials Mr. Clean
My house is soooooo dirty right now.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
this… may be the greatest story ever told
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.