Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?

coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night

I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.

All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.

I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.

Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.

Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.

Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.

had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before

I’ve had relationships like this

My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.

Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?

I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸

Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.

I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?

A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.

She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.

She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.

It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.

Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.

If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.

What do you call a priest that graduated from law school

Father in Law

I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

Me: What did you do at school today?

My kid: Nothing.

School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*

Them: Pleasure to meet you.

Me: Give it time.

Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.

I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best

Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta

me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me

turbo tax advisor:

I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.

I live life as a yeti now.

I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.

Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.

So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.

Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?

Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system

Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.