therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
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My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
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presenting your incognito window wrapped
Her: “were you thinking about me?”
Me: “of course”
My brain: *I don’t think i’ve ever pronounced “croissant” the same way twice, in my life
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done