therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
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Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂
‘Probably’.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.