Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
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Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Apparently someone’s been stealing patrol dogs.
Police say they have several leads
#Police
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
A drum solo but on your face.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?
How software testing works
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets