Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.

3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first

INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?

ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off

saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face

An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.

My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.

I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.

Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”

“WTF?”

“Seriously?”

“How could you?”

“Oh, man!”

“I’m right here.”

-my dog watching me throw food in the trash

told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.

If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?

“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.

Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.

i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her

COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.

[before date]

friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that

[date]

her: so tell me about y-

me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND

There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.

My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:

Pick your nose

would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time

“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”

…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!

Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉

#nofilter

The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!

I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.

Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.

being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey

Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒

a badder mouse

realest tweet ever.