Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
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Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.
we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Home is where your toilet is.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.