Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Mascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese

*dies*

I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation

Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.

My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.

I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.

Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.

With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.

Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.

Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?

That’s Twitter now.

I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.

“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.

A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.

Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.

ashley: hey

ashleigh: heigh

Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times

Black ice is just like regular ice…

Except it’s a better dancer…

Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors

Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS

“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met

Ad: You like to save money, right?

Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary

her: i’m leaving you
 
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
 
him: who ar- wait what

To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.

I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.

wife: you need to do more around the house

me: can you change the subject please?

wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you

it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream

If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.

My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.

TWEET CALL

Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️

[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]

Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]