Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
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Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
I never know how much to tip a cow.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.