therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
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i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.