Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…

I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.

Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.

May take them away tomorrow too.

turtleneck: oooh cozy

mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY

spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you

Him: Hey

Me: *flashes box of super tampons*

One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.

I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”

*Tries to start the wave at a funeral

I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever

Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.

How do I get a job writing these texts

Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.

Going to pronounce fecal like decal

Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.

All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.

You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus

[math class]

ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?

FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?

ME: Uhh-

FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.

ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.

Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.

Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”

me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination

me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume

You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on

Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.

Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists

There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.

There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.

You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .

me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .

*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*

I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”

“Do one thing today that scares you.”

*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*