Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressing

Saying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper

2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.

Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.

Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75

My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin

Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home

Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.

When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches

INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”

ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?

Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.

UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?

I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something

I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.

I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you

My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.

Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.

Writing a personal ad. So far I have:

Has all own teeth

Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.

man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”

A comb is the ultimate parting gift.

WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD

[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already

My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.

Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.

Baileys it is.

Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.

How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.

One week of daily crunches and I have abs…urdly underestimated how long it will take to see results.

Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?

Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!

Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.

Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.

Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”

Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”

Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*

Her: that’s it. I’m leaving

Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?

Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.

apparently this year was written by stephen king