therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
You Might Also Like
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change