Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.

Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.

scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?

other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?

scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours

Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.

Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.

You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks

Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.

I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.

My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies

The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.

*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*

HIM: Are you mad at me?

ME: No.

HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.

ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.

#titanic

Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.

[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!

I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home

an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔

[first day as a doorman]

me: bye, thanks for coming

sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.

Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”

[at auto shop]

MECHANIC: can I help you?

ME: my car won’t start

MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse

ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?

Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:

If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept

[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years

[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*

[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*

[at a racetrack]

DATE: Which horse are you betting on?

ME: I don’t have a horse in this race

DATE: That’s fair

ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track