THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
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i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
welp
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!