Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.

I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons

I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”

Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-

me: I’m cold this is boring

I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name

Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.

Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?

I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this

Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.

I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.

Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.

Squirrel: ours never stop growing

Walrus: and growing

Rat: and growing

Elephant: and growing

Groundhog: and growing

My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.

Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.

this is how life feels

FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:

you’re tall for a woman

[she gets real mad right here]

*place hand on hers*

but the perfect height for an angel

[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]

While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.

Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.

The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.

As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.

I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.

My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”

That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.

Government Shutdown: Day Two

Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.

us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour

I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination

The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.

I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.

Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.

The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now

Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?

Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out