Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
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I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
The Backseat Boys
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.