Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
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25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
“oh dude you’re gonna want to see this” i yell to my dog from the other room upon seeing 2 squirrels on a fence
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster