Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.

Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!

Cobra: the what

funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™

Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.

I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.

And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.

Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?

Me: Four-

Dr: okay

Me: -teen

Dr:

Me: -ish.

Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.

The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that

Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.

“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”

A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.

I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.

Me: did you like that movie?

Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.

I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.

Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase

Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee

If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.

[police station]

I’d like to fill out a police report.

*describes myself to the sketch artist*

Me: c’mon get back in the car

Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no

The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.

The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.

I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.

“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”

Two seconds later:

• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.

Conclusion: you are a statue

“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”

Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here

How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate

I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.

How about daylight saves us for once

judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?

me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here

If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.

My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”