Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“you gotta put yourself out there” I declare confidently as I remove my pants on the bus

[playing the board game Guess Who]

Me: Is your person handsome?

5-year-old: No, they look like you.

<——-Wants the burger

<——-Needs the salad

[meeting]

BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan

ME: Perhapselline?

MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?

B: You’re incredible, Gary

Me: the cords are tangled.

Brain: pull at them.

Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?

Brain: pull at them violently.

Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*

me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?

3: it smells hot

My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist

“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.

I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.

“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.

age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch

age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks

Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:

1) Death

2) The Pythagorean Theorem

Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’

My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.

HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!

I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior

I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.

starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone

Showed my 9yo some of his newborn pics and he very helpfully pointed out that I looked a lot younger back then

You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.

I didn’t understand your joke, but let me give you my angry and confused take on it.

Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”

The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.

I’d describe him as a little standoffish.

Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi

Chameleon: hold on.

Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
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Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too late

Bananas

I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.

Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?

Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.

Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.