Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.

😭😭

⚠️ Important Reminder:

You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel

I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂

BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail

I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.

They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.

I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”

dad: you losing weight

me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet

dad: yes

This girl text me: “your adorable

I text back: no YOU’RE adorable

Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…

My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.

[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK

I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.

As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.

Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST

Me: *folding a fitted sheet*

Ghost: Ouch.

If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.

This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.

Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together

Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”

{Annual Introverts Conference}

speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better

If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question

My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.

“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”

I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together

Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?

lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”

[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?

me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no

ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff

[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”