Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”

Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”

I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly

I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog

TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u

BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*

GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*

BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.

dinosaur: how’d you die

human: stupid

Him: Are you ready?

Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.

Guys you need to work this out.

*water balloon fight at 10 paces*

When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.

Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!

“Awkward silences are the worst”

*Someone, inventing the kazoo… probably

I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.

I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…

I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.

Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.

Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.

You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.

Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?

Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old

I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.

Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…

her: i’m going to a concert

me: to see who

her: Bad English

me: sorry, to see whom

Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.

Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY

The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.

My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”

When did white people become such fucking pussies?

Panda: am I too pudgy?

God: I have a better question.

Panda: ok.

God: what’s black and white and red all over?

Panda: I don’t know.

God: it’s you.

Panda: b-but I’m not red.

God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.

Panda: [blushing].

If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster

Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.