therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
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Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
So that’s what we looked like?
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower