Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing

I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.

Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.

My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day

You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.

I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.

tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy

Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.

Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you

Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.

Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth

Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless

[Busy ER]

Patient: So what happens after this?

Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate

Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?

Me: Oh. Same.

my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.

Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was

Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅

It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”

[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legs

Angel: whoa, intense

God: And and and give em knives for tongues!

Angel: That seems excessive

God: *sigh* Fine, forks

My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.

[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip

Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day

Me: lights xmas candle

[getting a ride home]

Me: ok keep going straight here

Train engineer: stop saying that

Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.

Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no

I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.

7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.

Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids

Witch 2: oh no, why?

Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol

DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”

ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”

DOCTOR:……..

SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs

SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough

Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.

—me flirting with a chemist

Werent we promised soylent green by now?