Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
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Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.