THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
You Might Also Like
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
A good lesson here is that you should live your life in such a way that when you die, nobody pulls out a spreadsheet to mathematically explain why they’re happy you’re dead
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones