Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.

My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.

All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.

“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook

I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.

FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that

honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions

I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.

Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.

Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.

Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.

“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”

– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.

flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm

my parents at 4 am:

WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days

“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”

folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah

This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.

Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?

I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.

“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”

– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am

Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’

Hubby : It’s a scarf!

STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.

Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation

Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.

[polygraph test]

Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?

Me: Committed, or been caught?

Tester: …

Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.

*needle goes crazy*

Hey girl, do you like bad boys?

[drinks milk from carton]

Or REALLY bad boys?

[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]

When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?

Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?

Captain America: Um sure.

Spiderman: What should I do?

Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.

Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors

Her: Does your dog do any tricks?

Me: I taught him to lie on the bed

Her: That’s not impressive lol

Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter

I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”