Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
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Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
🐟✨ #re4
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
When libraries troll their patrons.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.