Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
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“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.
Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance