Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
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WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot