Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.

Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.

I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…

Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.

Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.

Mary had a little lamb.

The doctor fainted.

Zordon: go find me some high schoolers

Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?

Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex

Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.

[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”

If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.

We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.

Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.

Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.

Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.

Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something

Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.

fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”

This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….

I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.

My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.

Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.

The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.

*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*

*watches people scream into the box*

That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.

I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.

I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”

I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.

[job interview]

“What’s your biggest weakness?”

“My honesty”

“I don’t think-”

“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”

haunted house: get. out.

me: (telling spicy gossip) right?

If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.

Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*

Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine