Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”

Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.

[interview]

THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?

ME: thank you.

genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud

It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.

Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?

Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?

Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.

ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?

GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy

ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that

I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”

#dnd #ttrpg

“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:

“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”

Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.

Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.

If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.

my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead

My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.

My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*

My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.

The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.

Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.

Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.

A farmer asked his neighbor

“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”

“Castor oil”

The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”

“Killed mine too”

Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.

They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.

Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.

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anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”

fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired

me: i can’t believe you cheated on me

him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it

if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son

The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.

911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.