THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
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[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Goat cheese is for herders.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.