@thatdutchperson

THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.

ME:

THERAPIST: ok?

Me: would that make you happy?

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@robfee

Everybody at this intervention is telling me I have a drug problem but I’m not the one with a melting eagle face & gyrating serpent arms.

@ClichedOut

WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: the 5 potato options, please

@meganamram

I don’t remember anything about being born, I must have been WASTED

@hamersauce

Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time

@OrangeFact

[First Date]

HER: I love dogs.

ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.

@robfee

Everyone in horror movies:
*Loud scream*
It was probably just the wind.
*Ghost flies across room*
Just the wind.
*Dog gets cut in half*
Wind

@Marlebean

It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.

And also the truth that you’re a moron.

@SortaBad

If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool

@JD_KC

You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.

@ScottLinnen

Just saw a Fiat 500 smash into a Smart Car on I-95. Cutest. Thing. Ever.