Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Me: Ok, here you go then
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
Me: would that make you happy?
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FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Like a stoned man once said,
I can’t remember.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
I was at a bar when this sexy lady approached me and whispered, “hey do you wanna get out of here”?
I happily replied yes and stood up, then she took my seat and sat down😑