@thatdutchperson

THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.

ME:

THERAPIST: ok?

Me: would that make you happy?

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@FatherWithTwins

Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then

@SondraDeeMe

FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!

My comment: So was the Titanic.

@MichaelTrying

Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.

@patnspankme

Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.

@GrowlyGrego

My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.

@funflaps

dear parents,

just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence

@KimmyMonte

what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?

@avainwordland

[being murdered]

Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?

@Iam_ikjoseph

I was at a bar when this sexy lady approached me and whispered, “hey do you wanna get out of here”?

I happily replied yes and stood up, then she took my seat and sat down😑