THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.



Me: would that make you happy?

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Everybody at this intervention is telling me I have a drug problem but I’m not the one with a melting eagle face & gyrating serpent arms.


WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: the 5 potato options, please


I don’t remember anything about being born, I must have been WASTED


Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time


[First Date]

HER: I love dogs.

ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.


Everyone in horror movies:
*Loud scream*
It was probably just the wind.
*Ghost flies across room*
Just the wind.
*Dog gets cut in half*


It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.

And also the truth that you’re a moron.


If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool


You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.


Just saw a Fiat 500 smash into a Smart Car on I-95. Cutest. Thing. Ever.