Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry

WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING

4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill

you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand

I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.

*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit

There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs

My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

Admin smashed it 😂

trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?

Me: I really want to go travelling

My bank balance: like…around the house?

Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.

Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.

When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.

The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.

I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.

How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?

I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.

(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!

Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.

ㅤ

We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.

normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.

if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”

People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie

me: hey big boy

friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that

Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.

At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?

My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.

BIL: Which one is the black one?

10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*

every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well

My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.