Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.

You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.

Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.

The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.

Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?

They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope

why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:

i am home.
if you knock

and the book is $49.99

me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything

t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too

whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary

Nothing to do, you say?

On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.

What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?

An investigator.

What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?

If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.

One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.

Underwear…

Because every present needs to be wrapped.

This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.

American Bulldog: Bark!

German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!

Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!

holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy

Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”

My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.

Ok who’s got my black socks?

I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰

“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.

That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.

Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*

Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.

Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.

The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.