Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.

Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.

By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance

The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.

“Describe yourself in 4 words.”

Bad at counting.

Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?

A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.

A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.

If she says “so just what exactly is THAT supposed to mean”… you’re gonna have a bad time.

Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo

Alfredo: Fettucine and what?

Why is my life so hard?!!

~Me, trying to open a jar .

A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.

Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.

My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?

Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.

As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.

I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.

Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.

I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.

My brother just sent me an angry text.

Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday

He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.

When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.

If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.

Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good

– Jack and the beans talk

Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?

Because it requires two i’s.

I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.

(First date)

Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …

Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.

No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.

Always the camel, never the toe.

tinder profile where the fish is holding me