THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
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mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Me in tagged photos
If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you