Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.

[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them

Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.

[cocktail party]

BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?

ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.

Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?

I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.

[me living in a hallmark movie]

oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?

well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!

WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!

Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.

After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic

Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless

Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur

Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t

I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.

I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.

“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”

– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise

Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.

It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.

I’m fine by the way.

I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter

4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.

My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10

I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”

That’s it. I’m done with people.

When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma

I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.

God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*

Adam: That’s not funny.

BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.

Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.

Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.

Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?

Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere