Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*

*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*

Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*

Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*

Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*

Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.

Also kids: ALREADY?!?

*takes off Scooby-Doo head*

Rivorce?!

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef

my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.

Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible

As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.

If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.

If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.

Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.

8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school

me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum

8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?

Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”

I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.

Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS

It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.

one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.

Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands

[first time at church]

me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups

I know

Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?

My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—

Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!

It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works

My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”

Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today

This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.

For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.

Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan

Cat:

A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.

Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart

How to start a diet:

1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1

“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.