Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
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*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Did 900 crunches today. It was a bag of Cheetos, but still.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
how long have you had this for?
My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.
He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”
Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent