Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them

2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.

Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.

80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”

When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.

If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!

My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.

Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?

Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?

[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine

Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK

Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: ok

ME: APRIL FOOL’S

Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.

I only need one finger to get my point across.

You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…

…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.

When i get an oil change & they show me the oil stick thing like… ok???😭😭

Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.

My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse

Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.

How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”

Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*

An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim

Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?

Me: No, what?

Son: Camo meal

*we tearfully embrace*

Wife: JFC

Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing

Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’

Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’

Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation

Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book

Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree

Me: Waldo you rascal!

Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff

Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?

Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth

flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker

8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?

Me: Yeah, usually.

8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.

bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more

Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.

Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )

Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”

Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks