Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.

God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*

God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.

Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!

me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!

[arrives in heaven]

how’d you die?

me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire

My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.

cellmate: how did you get here

me: i took the train

cellmate: no i mean what did you do

me: i just told you

Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call

Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.

Told her to just roll them a little tighter.

Girl: Do you have protection?

Me: Um like a sword?

I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.

Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am

Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.

Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.

ME, 10: I want a big mansion

ME, 20: I want a cool apartment

ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest

FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.

This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

car not found

what’s more important?

*Creating a new social media app*

“It’s good but will it divide people? If not then what’s the point.”

Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.

Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!

Wife:

Me:

Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.

Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?

*first day as getaway driver

“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”

Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?

Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.

Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?

Boss: haha oh goodness no

Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?

Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt

My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet