Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.

How dude HOW?!

The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old

Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP

Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.

Biden:

[used car lot]

Customer: Do you have any mini vans?

Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall

ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball

Eating wings is the opposite of flying

Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus

NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped

Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.

My life is a joke.

‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’

– Christian Rock

I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.

I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now

[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?

If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently

But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me

Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life

Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing

[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect

HIM: I wanna do bad things with you

ME: Like punching old ladies?

HIM: Uh, no…

ME: Stealing from the donation jar?

HIM: God, no! I mean like-

ME: Stroller tipping?

HIM: You know, never mind.

ME: Taking up two parking spaces?

HIM: Goodbye

ME: Putting habanero juice in-

Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.

What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!

– a parenting memoir

[at Starbucks]

ME: One large starbuck please.

BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-

ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.

Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.

Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.

If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.

I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic

‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts

It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”

One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’

My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.

I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.

[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming