Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*

[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it

[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*

Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.

Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight

My mother is the strongest woman I know.

You should see how far she could throw a shoe.

me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work

captor: i don’t care

me: they get paid under the stable

captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma

That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls

I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.

Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”

Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”

Cop: …

Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?

Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…

He brews.

I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.

Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.

The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind

No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK

The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

#1PUN

Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish

my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out

The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”

He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”

I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.

Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.

Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?

Her:

Me:

Her: Sure, let’s go with that.

christening a ship with an overripe banana

When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’

[a person with cold hands]

DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE

[a dog with cold paws]

POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT

*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW

You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day

UPS GUY: Just sign for the package

how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840

Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.

when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?