Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!

Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones

Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT

I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.

Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast

Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.

Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.

me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any

also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it

My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic

30’s tall, nice smile, secure job

40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice

feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty

8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.

I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.

Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE

Me: *opens door*

Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka

Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.

him: hands up, this is a robbery!

me *looks around* it’s actually a bank

Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus

Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat

*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit

*on death bed*

Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?

*gets kicked in the ribs*

Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???

“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”

–Pluto, the former planet

Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6

Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song

Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised

When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?

I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.

Note from 5yo:

“I need help with my meth.”

I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.