Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
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Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws