Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
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Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
sign of the times 🖊
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.