Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’

Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.

If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*

My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.

Pray for me.

Shit dude that SUCKS

-me as a 911 operator

I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage

I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.

Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.

Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.

People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄

going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”

I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.

So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.

Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-

Some guy: Be rich?

Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it

Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.

Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.

You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick

Some people come into our lives only briefly

Some touch our hearts and will always be with us

And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately

Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.

*tree falls in the forest*

*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*

Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?

7-year-old: Donuts.

My boss is having a colonoscopy today.

I sure hope they find his head.

[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red

My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.

The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace

Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok

Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.

I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.

My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.